


Jack's Joint

by XavierTheBold



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Vaggie (Hazbin Hotel), Bisexuality, Country & Western, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Established Relationship, Magic, Multi, Open Relationships, Original Character(s), Original Character-centric, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pansexual Character, Past Abuse, Prostitution, Sex Work, Singing, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:21:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27359461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XavierTheBold/pseuds/XavierTheBold
Summary: Jack is just a club owner trying to get by. But this is Hell, something ALWAYS throws a wrench in the works, whether it's Alastor the infamous Strawberry Pimp who rules the lust district and seems to have taken a strange interest in Jack, Jack's loving but overprotective girlfriend Vaggie, or 1000 other things. Can Jack face the music, or will it be curtains for him? Read to find out...My first Hazbin Hotel fic, and my first post on AO3, feedback welcome!
Relationships: Alastor & Charlie Magne, Alastor & Vaggie (Hazbin Hotel), Alastor/Charlie Magne, Charlie Magne & Vaggie, Katie Killjoy & Tom Trench, OC/Vaggie (Hazbin Hotel), Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 9
Kudos: 5





	1. The Morning Routine

_*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*_

  


Jack groaned as he got up out of the double bed to shut off the alarm clock going off on the dresser. _*BEEP**BEEP* *BE-*_ the clock stopped its tone halfway through as Jack clicked the button to shut the alarm off. He had always had a love-hate relationship with alarm clocks, on one hand, they woke his lazy ass up and got him to get things done, but on the other, they made what he considered **THE MOST GOD AWFUL NOISE ON THE PLANET.** Huffing at the continued thought of that awful noise, Jack yawned and stretched in an attempt to squeeze the remaining lethargy out of himself, before turning to wake his girlfriend up. “Vaggie honey, time to wake up”, he said, getting no response. He tried again, this time with a little more oomph to try and wake her up this time “ **Vaggie”** he said again, still not even getting a light shuffle. He was starting to get a little irritated, Vaggie was never this heavy of a sleeper, but he had to get her up or else he’d get an earful, so he decided to put a bit more get-up and go into this one **“VAG-”** he stopped himself midway through as his brain finally caught up with him and he realized he had been shouting to an empty bed. “Of course, Vaggie had always been an early riser, she’s usually long out the door by the time I drag myself out of bed, why would today be any different? Ugh, I need some coffee…” Jack thought to himself, digging through his drawers to find clothes for the day. Satisfied with his usual ensemble of jeans and a plain V-neck shirt, Jack headed into the master bathroom, stripped down to his birthday suit (an expression he had only recently realized was referring to the fact that you were born naked), turned on the shower so the water had time to heat up, and sat down on the toilet to relieve himself while he scrolled through the notifications he’d gotten overnight. “Let’s see...gossip, gossip, drama, drama, boring news, old news, OH! Erica Coven released a new single: _Crazy Land,_ gonna save that for later, and nothing else new” Jack said to himself, flushing the toilet and turning on some music, singing along with the lyrics as he stepped into the shower and started scrubbing himself clean.

Three songs later, Jack was standing in front of the mirror above the double sink, drying and combing his hair as he lightly flapped his wings back and forth to help them air dry a bit faster, as well as shaking loose any old feathers he hadn’t lost in his last molt, which was unlikely, but he always liked to be 100% sure. With everything dry, it was time to style, which Jack never did much of, typically just brushing his hair to one side and then brushing his bangs upwards to give a meager bit of volume to his otherwise flat hairdo, but that was his hair, that never needed much maintenance anyways. What always took him the longest was his wings because like all birds (or bird-like demons in his case) he had to constantly preen them or else he wouldn’t be able to fly anywhere, and to add insult to injury, the bird part of his brain refused to let him do it with his hands, instead preferring to have him shapeshift his head into its bird form and do it the old-fashioned way, so that’s exactly what he did. Jack exhaled through his nose as he focused on shifting, feeling his arms and wings pop-out their respective sockets and shift places with one another, leaving him with wings where his arms were and his arms in place of his wings, which admittedly looked pretty creepy. Of course, he could meld the arms into his flesh and no one would be able to see them, but no one was around, and he didn’t feel like expending the extra energy. Then he focused on shifting his face, feeling his teeth retract, his mouth and nose warp into a beak, and his head becoming covered with feathers. Then he began to preen; straightening, realigning, cleaning, and interlocking his feathers, a task which took him over 10 minutes thanks to not being able to use his hands. With that done, he shifted back and moved on to the other interesting bit of his anatomy: his antlers. His antlers and their size (at least to the deer bit of his brain) showed dominance and reminded everyone who was in charge, so the little four-point twigs he shifted to during sleep and other downtimes wouldn’t do at all, so he focused, pushing energy into them to grow, taking them from four to six to eight points, perfect for asserting dominance while not showing off. Next, his antlers needed a quick polish, so he took the polishing cloth draped over the towel rack along with the bottle of polish on the counter and got to work, applying the polish to the cloth and rubbing it in until he was satisfied with his antler’s shine. Lastly, he gave his face a quick once over for any scruff or blemishes. Seeing none, he nodded his head, stepped out of the bathroom, and began to get dressed, throwing on his shirt, jeans, boots, jacket, and cowboy hat, along with grabbing his pistol out of the gun safe and loading it. In Hell, you can never be too careful... After getting dressed he stepped out of the bedroom, briefly chuckling at the various scratches his deer brain insisted he makes in order to “mark his territory” and headed down the stairs into the kitchen, seeing the various dishes in the sink from where Vaggie had made herself breakfast. “Lucky…” he muttered to himself and huffed, envious of the delicious huevos rancheros she had made (A dish Jack had learned from his life in Texas, close to the Mexican border, and had subsequently taught to Vaggie). Jack, however, could have none of that, he was on a self-imposed diet after he had gained nearly 10 pounds over the holidays. In lieu of actual food, Jack got down his favorite tumbler and set it under the coffee machine as he popped in a K-cup, then he got a protein drink out of the fridge, shook it up, and poured into the coffee once it had finished brewing, making what he liked to call a “manly mocha”. Breakfast acquired, Jack headed for the door, ready to face the day.


	2. Errands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack goes out to run some errands, and we find out about something important.

As he headed out the door of his apartment and walked down the stairs into his club, he heard the voice of Buck, the hellhound that tended the bar at the club, and some random patron that was testing Buck’s patience. “For the last time, I don’ care WHERE we are, ya ain’t gettin’ no more liquor, yer gonna get sick n’ puke ya guts up an then I’m gon have ta go get Dalila up ta clean it, I ain’t gonna deal with her right now, so give it up,” Buck said, obviously *this* close to just throwing the demon out on his ass. “*hic*, fug you buddy isn’t my *hic* money good enuff for ya? *hic*”. At this point, Jack decided it was time to intervene before Buck did something drastic. “You heard ‘im, kick bricks buddy,” Jack said calmly, not wanting to start something. “Yeah, and why would I do that, cowboy?”, the demon slurred back, turning to face Jack. “Cuz I own this joint, and if ya don’t beat it now, you ain’t comin’ back ever again, got it?” Jack said, flashing his pistol just to reinforce his point. “Ugh, fine, whatever, didn’t want any of your fuggin’ liquor anyway…”, the demon grumbled, getting off the stool he was sitting on and out the door. Once the demon left, Buck turned back towards Jack.“Morinin’ boss, ya get yer beauty sleep?” Buck chuckled gruffly. “Haha, very funny Buck” Jack replied sarcastically. “But yeah, I did, how ‘bout yerself?” Jack asked in a semi-serious tone. “Like an alcoholic baby, same as always boss” Buck replied. “ Well, I guess no news is good news...by the way, Buck, did ya happen to catch Vaggie on her way out this morning?” Jack asked. “ Yeah, she was headin’ over ta Charlie’s ta help her with this new idea she’s got,” Buck replied. “A new idea huh? Ya have any clue what she’s got planned?” Jack asked curiously. “Not a clue boss, all I heard was that it was gonna help with the overpopulation problem we got here in Hell.” returned Buck. “Hmmm, interestin’, I’ll ask’er when she gets back. Fer know I got errands ta run, I take it ya hold down the fort while I’m gone?” Jack asked, knowing the answer he was going to get. “course boss, ya can count on me." Buck said assuredly. “Alright, good ta hear. ‘Member, let me know if anything goes wrong.” “Of course boss, I know what ta do.” replied Buck, in a tone like a kid being reminded to “call mommy and daddy if any bad men show up” for the fifth time before their parents left them home alone while they went to go get groceries. “Alright, see ya in a bit,” Jack said, heading for the door.“Alright boss, see ya.” Buck said, turning back towards the bar and beginning to organize the liquor. With that Jack headed for the door to start knocking things off the to-do list. 

First up, booze and mixers. Thanks to the fact that he was in Hell, a liquor store wasn’t very hard to find, but where the rub would lie in buying all of the stuff the club needed. Jack walked into the store and up to the front counter to place his bulk order, something that this shop was familiar with, seeing as they were a wholesale supplier that quite possibly sold every kind of alcohol ever known to man, from the first time man tasted a fermented fruit to the latest trendy microbrews. The clerk, a stereotypical “devil” type demon with red skin, a pair of curved horns, and a prehensile pointed tail, with his long black hair hanging out of his beanie (Jack had always called them “tobogans”, but that was neither here nor there) had his headphones in, likely watching some video on LillyMotion (a video sharing service named after Lillith, the demoness who was in charge of all of Hell’s social media) and didn’t notice Jack walk up, so needless to say he got quite the scare when he looked up from his phone to see a 6’8” demon with antlers that added at least another full foot to his height, each with eight spear-sharp points that could definitely gore a demon, along with a pair of brown wings with an interior that seemed to have a pattern of muscial notes atop waving notation lines along the middle of them, leaned right up to and banging on the bullet-proof glass that kept the clerk seperated from the customers, save for a speaker that the clerk spoke through and a small hole to pass payment and order forms through. The clerk, who had his chair balanced on its two back legs, immediately fell backward, dropping his hellphone, which yanked his headphones out of his ears as he banged the back of his head against the floor. After laying there dazed for a minute, the clerk got up off the floor and rubbed the back of his head as he grumbled “dammit Jack, I TOLD you not to sneak up on me like that…” “I didn’t sneak up on you, you just weren’t paying attention. Also, good to see you too Devan.”, Jack replied, an amused tone in his voice from seeing the other demon fall flat on his back. “Ugh, fine, good to see you too Jack, now what are you doing here?”, Devan replied, clearly a little ticked off at Jack. “I’m here for the freakin’ bible study” “whadda ya THINK I’m here for, ya idiot?” Jack said sarcastically. “ Alright, alright, I get you, ask a silly question and all that, but seriously, what exactly DO you need?” Devan said, trying to calm himself down so that he and Jack didn’t get into a shouting match, lest his boss starts giving him an earful about “customer service” and “driving away business”. “Just doing my weekly order, like always. Here’s a list of everything I need, and Buck’ll pay for it once it’s delivered, as usual,” Jack said, handing Devan a list of all the types of alcohol he needed and how much. Devan quickly looked the slip over paper over. He stopped when he read a particularly interesting request. “ Three bottles of strawberry blood wine, label preferably 1920’s or 1930’s, and the high dollar stuff too?! Jeez, you got the freaking king coming over or something?”, Devan asked. “Er...something like that…let’s just say he’s a VERY important guest and leave it at that, alright?” Jack replied nervously. “Damn, if it’s got you THIS worried, then I think I’ll leave well enough alone.” Devan returned, sounding somewhat worried. “Thanks” Jack replied. “Anyways, I’m going to head out, I’ve got more errands to run” “Alright, I’ll put in your order, just...be careful, alright man?” Devan asked. “Don’t worry about it, man, I know what I’m doing, hopefully…” Jack said with a little bit of uncertainty as he walked out of the liquor store. 

Next, groceries for both the club and himself. Jack’s club didn’t just serve booze, it also boasted a half-decent selection of food. In keeping with the club’s overall theme, it was mostly tex-mex, with other bar staples like chicken wings and loaded potato skins, plus a few authentic dishes, courtesy of both Jack’s time south of the border, and Vaggie’s life in El Salvador, since most central and south American cuisine share many common threads. The grocery store, like the liquor store, was a wholesale supplier and had a place specifically for bulk orders, but also allowed for individual shoppers, like a Costco or Sam’s Club. As Jack walked in, he flashed his membership card to the comedically named “Werehouse Club”, so named because it was founded by and staffed entirely with werewolves and other lycanthropes. Jack walked up to the bulk orders counter, which had almost no line, thanks to it being 9:00 on a Monday morning, and quickly sorted out the order, which was for both club supplies and his apartment pantry since it was easier that way. As the total cost was being tabulated, Jack drank his coffee/protein drink mix and thought about the special guest he had coming to his club tonight, more specifically, what did he want? This guy wasn’t the type to pop in for a social visit, so he wanted SOMETHING, but for the afterlife of him, Jack couldn’t figure out WHAT. He hadn’t been late on any of his bills, he hadn’t had any major incidents, there hadn’t been any problems with his employees, so WHAT could it be?” “Sir…” the cashier said, getting no response, as Jack was still deep in thought. “Sir!” the cashier said, a little louder this time, finally getting Jack’s attention and informing him of the total cost of his order. After shaking himself out of his thoughts, Jack paid and headed out of the store. 

One last item on his to-do list: Get his guitar fixed, or more likely, get an entirely new one since it had gotten busted into a million pieces after he used it _El Kabong_ style to knock out the lights of some junky that tried to rob the club. In retrospect, he _probably_ could have used something else to get the job done, like a chair or something, but when a fucking minotaur demon hopped up on some ungodly cocktail of drugs has your bartender at shotgun-point, you tend to swing first and ask questions later. Jack walked into the music store and up to the counter where Riley, a sheep demoness with grey wool was leaning, looking disinterestedly at her phone. “Hey, Riley, I got some work for ya!” Jack shouted merrily, happy to see Riley was working today because if anyone could fix his guitar, it was her. “Hey, Jack! Been a minute, what are you doing here?” Riley asked. “Well…” “I kinda... broke my guitar… ” Jack replied meekly. “What was that?” Riley asked. “ I...broke my guitar...” Jack said wincing at what was about to come. Riley stood there for a minute with an “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” look, before absolutely LAYING INTO Jack.”YOU WHAT!? DO YOU HAVE ANY I SPENT ON THAT THING!?” Riley shouted, so mad that you could probably use her to boil water. “No…” Jack mumbled. “A LOT! THAT WAS A GIFT TO YOU FOR BEING ONE OF OUR BEST CUSTOMERS, AND YOU _BROKE IT!?_ ” Riley sighed frustratedly. “Alright, let’s see it, it can’t be _that_ bad.” Oh, how wrong she was. Jack pulled it out of the pocket dimension he kept it in (a cool little power he picked up when he first opened his club since owning territory gives a slight power boost. It’s also the reason why everybody fights over it all the time: they want to get stronger) and the thing was in at least 20 pieces like he tried to hit a home run with it or something. “Good lord, what did you _do_ to it, play fucking golf with it?!” Riley asked, frustrated. “No! Ya see, there was this big minotaur guy that had Buck ready to take up a steady diet of lead if he didn’t empty the register, and well...I didn’t have anything else” Jack retorted. “Still…” Riley mumbled, now a little embarrassed for yelling at him for keeping someone safe. “Look Riley, can you fix it or not? I got an important guest coming tonight and I need to be able to put on a show!” Jack asked. “Of course I can fix it, I just wish you were more careful with your things”. With that, Riley began to mutter a simple spell taught to all of the shop employees to ensure a quick turnaround. The shattered wood and strings began pulling themselves back together, and in no time at all the guitar was back in working order. “Here you go Jack, good as new,” Riley said, now in a slightly better mood... “Thanks, Riley, you’re a lifesaver!” Jack said, overjoyed that his prized instrument was fixed. Jack thanked her one last time before paying for the repairs and heading out the door. With all of the errands done, it was time to head back to the club and get it in top shape for his special guest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took WAY longer than it should have, but I was busy with school and a bunch of other things. Better late than never I suppose...


	3. Inspection & Interview

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack makes his way back to his club to give his place a thorough inspection before his special guest arrives and he watches as Charlie's interview crashes and burns (figuratively and literally)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, this took WAY longer than it should have, but what can you do? This will likely be the last update for a hot minute since, despite the fact that the next chapter is already halfway done, I have exams coming up. Thanks for reading, as always, and don't be afraid to comment, your feedback is appreciated!

Jack walked back to his club, newly repaired guitar stowed in his pocket dimension. As Jack got back to the club, he stopped to review the outside of the building, looking up at the sign that read  _ Lonestar Honkytonk  _ in big neon lettering, though since it was only about midday, the sign was turned off. Next, he did a quick scan of the face of the building, checking for any damage that he might have missed when he walked out this morning, of which there was none, which was both surprising and not, given the fact that yearly extermination had just happened last night, raising all new flavors of hell, killing what is estimated to be about ⅓ of Hell’s population, and causing A LOT of damage.  _ ‘Spose it pays to reinforce your building for situations as this  _ Jack thought to himself as he walked into the club, seeing the few patrons who occupying the club at this time of day, who all tossed up a hand in greeting to the owner of their favorite watering hole, which Jack replied to with a tip of his hat while walking up to the bar and speaking to Buck, who was busy cleaning glasses. 

“Hey Buck, did everything go alright while I was out? Hope no other junkies came in and tried ta give ya a new hole in yer skull,  _ hehe _ .” Jack chuckled 

“ of course not, boss, at least not if they know what’s good for ‘em, now that I got ol’ Bessy here” Buck replied confidently, pulling out a double-barrel shotgun from under the counter and showing if off briefly to Jack before putting it back and continuing “ and yeah, everything’s gone just fine, Delila’s been cleanin’ like Lucifer himself’s comin’ in for a good time, which wouldn’t be out of the ordinary if she wasn’t panickin’ like it too and up an refusing to tell me what in Hell was wrong! Does she know somethin’ I don’t boss?” 

“About that…” Jack said nervously “Ya see...” Jack looked around be he leaned in and said quietly “Alastor’s payin’ us a visit”

“ALASTOR’S-  _ HMHMPH _ ” Buck half got out before Jack put a hand over his mouth

“Hush up ya stupid hound-dog, do ya  _ want  _ to run off our customers!?” Jack said in a stage whisper. “I didn’t tell ya cuz I knew ya would freak out like this! The only reason I told Delila was so that this place was spick n’ span for when he shows up ” Jack sighed slightly “now normally I’m pretty easy goin’, but I’m gonna put my foot down here: You ARE NOT to try ANYTHING against Alastor, he’s the head honcho of this whole district, and if anything aggravates him, it’s ALL of our heads, got it?” Jack finished sternly.

Buck released an aggravated sigh “fine boss, but I gotta ask, does Vaggie know?”

“No, no she doesn’t, for pretty much the same reason as to why I didn’t tell you: she’s liable to go ballistic and try to turn this place into Fort Knox when she hears, plus she’s already busy helping Charlie with her project, which is why I’m only gonna tell her when she gets back.”

“HA!” Buck laughed “Yeah, good luck with  _ that _ , boss, you know how she just  _ loves  _ surprises, hehe”, he continued to chuckle.

“ you just man the bar, and I’ll handle keepin’ my lady calm, alright?’ Jack said, sending a hard stare towards the hellhound.

“Alright, alright, I’ve had my fun, go do whatever ya need to do boss, and good luck, haha!” Buck chuckled one last time before returning to cleaning glasses. 

Jack just rolled his eyes as he walked away, ready to take a fine-toothed comb to his club before the “Strawberry Pimp” showed up.

Looking around, the whole club was almost completely spotless, no surprise there, if Buck’s report of Delila’s manic cleaning was anything to go by, although given the caliber of guest coming over it would never hurt to be thorough. During this double-check, Jack began to hear soft bleats coming from the supply closet, which could only be one person: Delila,  _ Lonestar _ ’s resident cleaning lady, who currently seemed to be having a panic attack, which was not good. Opening the door, sure enough, there she was; a short ewe demoness with white wool in a hand-knit blouse and pants, shaking like a leaf. Jack crouched down and put a hand on her shoulder, causing her to jump slightly at the sudden contact.

“Don’t worry” Jack said. “It’s just me Delila, nothin’ to worry about”

“Yehehes theeere iiis” Delila bleated in return “Aaaalaastor iiis comiiinng! Heee eeeaats peeepole!” She continued, bleating on every word out of nervousness. 

“Yeah, he does, but guess what?” Jack said in a calming tone

“Whaaat?” Delila asked shakily

“He’s not coming to eat us, he just wants to talk to me and Vaggie, and if he tries to hurt anyone, I’ll do everythin’ I can to stop him, okay?” Jack said, taking her into a soft hug and patting her back to calm her down.

“You promise?” She asked, now a little bit calmer.

“I promise Delila.” He said reassuringly. “Now, do you wanna help me make sure e the place is clean, might take your mind off of things.”He asked her.

She sniffed back a tear before nodding her head

“Alright then, let’s get started,” Jack said softly, guiding Delila out of the cramped closet.

A few hours later after practically taking an electron microscope to the place, Jack was sat at the bar eating fish tacos and watching the news, talking about the turf war going on between Cherri Bomb and Sir Pentious, with Tom Trench making a joke about “nailing her hotspot” which Katie Killjoy responded to by calling Tom a “limp-dick jackass” and pouring hot coffee on his crotch, which earned a wince from Jack. Then Katie said “coming up next we have an exclusive interview with the daughter of Hell’s head honcho, who’s here to discuss her brand new passion project” now THAT got Jack’s attention. Charlie was going to be on the news, and from the sounds of it, she was going to be talking about her plan to help with overpopulation, whatever it was. Jack also figured that wherever Charlie was, Vaggie was likely right there with her, so he almost wanted to head over to the station and give Charlie a hand, but he thought better of it, he had to hold down the fort at Lonestar, plus Vaggie would probably want Charlie to fight her own battles. While he was thinking about this, Buck came up.

“Uuuuuh, boss, did I hear that right? Did Katie just say that they had an interview with the princess?” Buck asked worriedly.

“That ya did amigo, why ?” Jack returned to quizzically.

“‘Cuz you know how Katie is, she’s gonna chew the princess up and spit her out!” The hellhound panicked.

“Beleive me, I know how bad Katie can be, but there ain’t anything we can do about it. ‘Sides I figure she’s got Vaggie with her so she’ll be fine.” Jack said reassuringly.

“If you say so boss, I just hope the princess makes it out of there in one piece…” Buck said before going back to silently watching the TV.

After a few more minutes of commercials, the show started back:

“Welcome back! So, Charlotte!” Katie said a touch too enthusiastically

“It's... Charlie.” The princess corrected with a nervous smile as the stage crew shined a spotlight on her.

“Whatever. Tell us about this new passion project you've been insistently pestering our news station about!” Katie said, gripping her pen like she was trying to choke someone in an attempt to keep a lid on her anger

“Well,” Charlie continued, clearing her throat and exhaling to steady her nerves “as most of you know, I was born here in Hell, and growing up, I always tried to see the good in everyone around me.”

While Charlie was talking, Katie stabbed a slug that had crawled onto the news desk with her pen, sending bursts of its blood all over.

“Hell is my home and-” Charlie stopped and wiped the slug’s blood off of her face before continuing “you are my people. We... we just went through another extermination”.

By this point, Katie is losing interest, evidenced by her dozing off slightly.

“We lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart to see my people being slaughtered every year. No one is even given” Charlie slammed a fist on the desk, straddling Katie back into focusing “a chance!” Charlie then got up and started walking towards the audience, with the cameras following her “I can't stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence! So, I've been thinking: Isn't there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell?” Charlie asked, walking around the audience “Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through... redemption?” Charlie asked rhetorically, throwing her arm around one of the nearby crew members “Well, I think yes! So that's what this project aims to achieve!” Charlie announced confidently while walking back to the news desk “Ladies and gentlemen, I'm opening the first of its kind! A hotel that rehabilitates sinners!”

The audience was absolute crickets.

“Y'know? 'Cause hotels are for people passin' through... temporarily…” Charlie mumbled having started to lose her confidence “I think it'll serve a purpose... a place to work toward redemption... yay...!” She continued in an equally sheepish tone

There was a snicker from behind one of the cameras and what sounded like “stupid bitch”, both of which likely came from one of the camera operators. This was followed by the sound of fist meeting flesh, probably Vaggie’s doing

Charlie looked around with a saddened look on her face “Look, every single one of you has something good, deep down inside. I know you do! ...Maybe I'm not getting through to you.”

There was a quiet “oh no” from behind the camera in what sounded like Vaggie’s voice before Charlie snapped her fingers, turning the room dark except for a spotlight that shone down on a piano where Charlie and her goat servants Razzle and Dazzle started to perform.

**(A/N: for the sake of brevity, here’s the song lyrics, this chapter has already taken long enough)**

I have a dream

I'm here to tell

About a wonderful fantastic new hotel

Yes, it's one of a kind

Right here in Hell

Catering to a specific clientele (Ooooh)

Inside of every demon is a rainbow

Inside every sinner is a shiny smile

Inside of every creepy hatchet-wielding maniac

Is a jolly, happy, cupcake-loving child

We can turn around

They'll be heaven-bound

With just a little time down at the Happy Hotel

So all you junkies, freaks, and weirdos

Creepers, fuck-ups, crooks, and zeros

And downfallen superheroes, help is here

All of you cretins, sluts and losers, sexual deviants and boozers

And prescription drug abusers, need not fear

Forever again, we'll cure your sin

We'll make you well, you'll feel so swell

Right here in Hell at the Happy Hotel

There'll be no more fire and no more screams

Just puppy dog kisses and cotton candy dreams

And puffy-wuffy clouds, you're gonna be like, wow!

Once you check in with me

So, all your cartoon porn addictions, vegan rants, psychic predictions

Ancient Roman crucifixions end right here

All your monsters, thieves and crazies, cannibals and crying babies

Frothing mouth is full of rabies, filled with cheer

You'll be complete, it'll be so neat

Our service can't be beat

You'll be on easy street, yes!

Life will be sweet at the Happy Hotel

Charlie finished singing, standing on top of the news desk and breathing heavily, exhausted from the effort that the musical number took

“Wow! That was shit!” a demon from the audience mocked

Everyone started to laugh at Charlie. Unsurprisingly, she looked crestfallen.

“What in the Nine Circles makes you think a single denizen of Hell would give two shits about becoming a better person?! You have no proof that this little experiment even works! You want people to be good?! Just... because?!” Katie mocked as she continued to laugh at Charlie

“Well, we have a patron already, who believes in our cause and he's shown incredible progress!” Charlie replied defiantly.

“Oh? And who might that be?” Katie said, feigning shock

“Oh, just someone named... Angel Dust!” Charlie countered, putting a confident face on.

“The porn star?” Tom asked

Katie turned to him, scratching deep into the desk as she did so “You fucking would, Tom!”Katie turned back to Charlie “In any case, that's not even an accomplishment. I'm sure you could get that hooker to do anything with enough booger sugar and lube” Katie said, mimicking a handjob in mid-air.

Oh, I beg to differ! Charlie retorted, starting to count on her fingers “He's been behaved, clean, and out of trouble for two weeks now.”

Suddenly from offscreen, one of the crewmembers shouted “breaking news!” which caused Katie to shove Charlie away.

“We are receiving word that a new player has entered the ongoing turf war! Let's go to the live feed.”Katie said before the screen shifted to the live feed, which showed Angel Dust stepping on one of Pentious’s Egg Bois and throwing a grenade at Sir Pentious himself. There was audible laughter in the background as Charlie stared at the screen, absolutely defeated.

“Oh, shit.” Charlie uncharacteristically cursed while in the background, Angel exclaimed “ I’m a bad person!”

"Oh, shit" indeed! It looks like the one who just joined the battle is none other than” Katie feigns a gasp “porn actor, Angel Dust!” She turned back to Charlie as she shook her fist “What a juicy coincidence! You must feel stupid right now.”

Both of the anchors proceeded to laugh at Charlie’s expense (again) before both did jazz hands and said “ratings!” in unison.

Charlie stared at the live feed in distress, trying to block it from the audience’s view, pleading “Don't look at this!”

“Well, it sure looks like your little project is dead on arrival,” Katie mocked as she loomed over Charlie “Tell us, how does it feel to be a total failure? Nyahahahahahaha!”

Charlie tried to think of a comeback “Yeah, well…” she looked around “How does it feel that I got your pen, huh?! She grabbed Katie’s pen “Bitch!”

Everything sudd4eenly went dead silent as Tom ran away, realizing what was about to happen.

“Ehehe..” Charlie chuckled nervously as put the pen back down “oops.”

Katie’s demonic form loomed from the shadows as the two proceed to get into an all-out brawl, lighting Tom on fire in the process.

By this time, Jack had seen enough and shut the TV off before calling out “Buck! Whiskey, straight, bring the bottle!” and putting his head in his hands. This was going to be  _ fun... _


	4. Feel Right At Home Up On The Stage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of the interview, Vaggie returns to Lonestar in a less than stellar mood, Which, unfortunately, Jack only makes worse by revealing Alastor's upcoming visit. Thankfully, there's nothing that keeps your mind off of the upcoming visit of a feared overlord better than getting up on stage and singing your heart out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're starting to get to the good stuff now folks. As always, apologies for the long stretch between chapters, but life comes first. All constructive feedback is appreciated.

A while later after Jack had drunk his frustrations away, Vaggie walked into Lonestar with a mix of anger, exasperation, and sadness on her face. She was wearing her usual bow in her hair, along with a pink top with white trim along the top that only covered her breasts, grey fingerless evening gloves, white short-shorts with pink and grey trim around the legs, stockings in the same pattern that connected with clasps to something under her shorts, likely a garter belt. She sighed as walked over to the front booth where Jack was sitting and watching the dancers up on the stage while another dancer, a cheetah demoness named Dynamite was giving him a lap dance and kissing him on the lips, but Vaggie didn’t care, their relationship had always been open and it suited them just fine, their relationship was something much deeper than simply physical attraction, they have had each other’s backs ever since they met years ago when they both worked the streets, keeping each other safe from pushy Johns and Janes, Vaggie flopped down in the booth next to Jack and Dynamite, letting out one last exasperated sigh and closing her eyes as she finally started to relax. She suddenly heard the kissing stop from beside her and felt a shift in weight as someone crawled across the seat and sat down on her lap, causing her to grunt at the sudden added weight and open her eyes.

“Hey Miss Vaggie, bad day today?” Dynamite asked as she straddled Vaggie’s lap

“You don’t know the half of it Dynamite” Vaggie returned as she put her hands on Dynamite’s hips and put on a slight smile to save some face.

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that Miss Vaggie, maybe I could help you,  _ relieve some stress?”  _ Dynamite said slyly, planting a soft kiss on Vaggie’s lips

As the two separated, Vaggie said “thanks for the offer Dynamite, but I’ll be alright. Right now I just want to talk to Jack in private for a minute, okay  _ Dinamita  _ ?” 

“Alright Ms.Vaggie, but you know where to find me if you change your mind.” Dynamite said as she gave Vaggie one last kiss on the cheek before she got up and walked backstage to get ready for her show. Once she was gone Vaggie took Dynamite’s spot on Jack’s lap, resting her arms on his shoulders as he wrapped his around her waist.

“hola, mi Guapo Ciervo” (hello my handsome stag) Vaggie said in sultry Spanish, planting a soft kiss on Jack’s lips.

“hola, mi Hermosa Polilla” (hello my beautiful moth) Jack replied as the two separated. “ I saw what happened on the news, I’m sorry about what happened to Charlie. Seems like today just ain’t your day, huh?”

“Oh, it gets worse Ciervo, guess who showed up at the hotel?” Vaggie said in a “ _you’re never going to believe this”_ tone.

“I don’t know Polilla, was it Lucifer come to berate his daughter for embarrassing herself on live TV?” Jack guessed.

“Thank him, no, but it was nearly as bad: Alastor showed up!” Vaggie exclaimed.

Hearing this, Jack instantly snapped out of his drunken haze. “Wait,  _ that  _ Alastor?!” he said, stunned.

“Yeah,  _ that  _ Alastor! To make things even worse, it turns out that he’s Charlie’s  _ boyfriend  _ and has been for  _ months _ ! He showed up because he saw what happened on the news and decided that Charlie needed his help, so now he’s a “hotel sponsor”. Charlie didn’t want to tell me about them dating because she was afraid that I was going to try and chase him off.” Vaggie fumed.

“Well, are you?” Jack asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Hell yes, I am!” Vaggie said with conviction “That cheesy talk-show shitlord just wants to use her to move himself up the totem-pole!”

“Look Vags, I get why you’re worried, I do, but you don’t need to be, Charlie’s the daughter of Lucifer himself and is somethin’ like 200 years old”

“But she’s still so naive Jack! She’s lived most of her life in luxury, never wanting for anything, she’s got no idea how the real world works!”

“Still, she’s got sense enough to know when she’s bein’ played. What’s that little chestnut she likes to break out every time you start worrying too much?” Jack asked rhetorically, making the “ _ you know what I’m talking about”  _ face. 

Vaggie sighed and then in her best Charlie impression said “if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my dad it’s “ya don’t take shit from other demons” ”

“And what doesn’t she do, as her bare-knuckle brawl with Katie proves?”

“Take shit from other demons,” Vaggie said, slightly grumpy at the smug smirk on Jack’s face before she finally admitted defeat. “ Fine, I’ll stop worrying about it estúpido Ciervo presumido..”(you stupid smug stag)

“Good, because unfortunately, I’m gonna give ya somethin’ new to worry about. Ya see Alastor’s kinda coming for some kinda meeting”

Vaggie just gave an exasperated groan, before saying “You know what? I don’t even care anymore, today’s been one mess after another! I’ll just stay out of the way of you two, I’m in no mood to deal with him again.” 

“ That’s the other thing, he kinda wants to meet with the both of us, I ain’t quite sure why, but that’s what he wants to do, and I ain’t gonna tell him no”

Vaggie gave another sigh “alright, but you’re doing the talking”

“If that’s what you want then that’s fine by me, seeing as I’ve already put you in a bad enough position as is,” Jack said apologetically. “Well, it’s about time for my show, you wanna join in?’ He asked.

“Yeah, might be just what I need to take my mind off of everything,” Vaggie said, a slight smile returning to her face.

“Alright!” Jack exclaimed, happy to see his girlfriend in a better mood “want to do the usual order of things, I sing first, then you sing, and then we duet?” 

“I don’t think so muchacho, I’m going first tonight, it’s the least you can do after what you pulled on me”

Jack sighed, this was one of the few things about Vaggie that annoyed him; whenever something made her upset, it was her way or the highway, no exceptions. “Alright, fine, you can go first,” Jack conceded, not wanting to start another argument.

“Thank you, now, let’s go,” Vaggie said as she walked off, with Jack following behind.

A short while later the two were backstage getting ready and going over the songs that they were going to sing. They both planned to perform more high energy songs tonight to try and liven everyone up after the extermination. Once the last dancer had finished up and they were given the go-ahead, the two walked out onstage, prompting a round of applause from the club patrons. 

“How y’all doin’ tonight?” Jack asked, to which the crowd responded with a sullen mumble.

“Not so good, huh? Yeah, I get it, another extermination come and gone, along with so many of our friends and family. But do you think that they’d want us to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves?” Jack said, trying to rally the audience and getting only silence, until from the bar one rather inebriated patron shouted “HELL NO THEY WOULDN’T!” causing the whole club to murmur in agreement.

“That’s right!” Jack affirmed, “They’d want us to send them off the only way we know how!” to which he took out his hip flask, unscrewed the top, and raised it above his head, prompting everyone else to do the same with their drinks.

“A toast! To the ones who didn’t make it,” Jack said, putting his flask up to his lips and take a nice long drink as everyone else did the same.

“Ah!” Jack said as he wiped his mouth. “Now, who’s ready to jam?!” Jack asked, causing nearly everyone in the place to shoot out of their seats and hit the dance floor.

“Alright! Hit it, boys!” Jack exclaimed while pointing to the band and shifting his guitar from acoustic to electric (another one of the wonder instruments abilities). The band then began to play, except for lead guitar, which Jack would take care of.

“Early Monday morning, til Friday at five

Man I work, work, work but I don't climb, climb, climb

Bossman can shove that overtime up his can

All I wanna do is put a drink in my hand” Jack began to sing as rock n’ roll backing track started behind him.

“To fill it up, or throw it down

I got a 40 hour week worth of trouble to drown

No need to complicate it, I'm a simple man

All you got to do is put a drink in my hand”

“Yea the parking lot is muddy, can't get to the door

I'll take my jacked up drop er' down in 4 by 4” Jack sang as he held up four fingers twice.

“Chill down a long neck, warm up the band

All you gotta do is put a drink in my hand”

“To fill it up, or throw it down

I'm about to tear a new one in this old town

5, 4, 3, 2, 1 I'm a rocket man

All you got to do is put a drink in my hand, let’s rock!” Jack sang as he fired off a quick solo from his guitar

“Make me wanna go ouhhh ouh ouhhh when you dance like that

You got that little tattoo playing peek-a-boo on your back” which Vaggie took as her cue to turn around and show off the half of her tattoo that peeked out from her shorts, swaying her hips to emphasize her point, which caused Jack to grin slightly.  _ It’s incredible what someone showing you some respect instead of treating you like a piece of meat will do to your self-confidence  _ he thought to himself as he continued singing.

Yea if you want to impress me, baby here's my plan

All you got to do is put a drink in my hand”

“Yea fill it on up or throw it down

When you drive me home, take the long way around

You be my Lois Lane, I'll be your Superman” Jack sang as he flexed both of his arms upwards in his best Superman impression

“All you got to do is put a drink in my hand” 

“My head Monday morning that alarm clock sings

It goes bang, bang, bang” Jack sang while every bang was met with a bang on the drums, “while it ring, ring rings”

“Yea I'll let it all roll if you wanna rock again

All you got to do is put a drink in my hand”

“Yea fill it up or throw it down

I got a little hungover, still hanging around

That hair of a dog is howlin' "hey there man"

All you got to do is put a drink in my hand

That hair of a dog is howlin' "hey there man"

All you got to do is put a drink in my hand

Haaaaouuhhhhh” Jack finished as he did his best impression of a dog howling.

Jack took a second to breathe and take a bow as the audience gave a small round of applause before the band started back up again, this time on Vaggie’s song. Fiddles started up dramatically before fading out as Jack plucked some deep chords on his guitar, then rising back in as Vaggie started to sing.

“Well I'm an eight ball shooting double-fisted drinking son of a gun” Vaggie sang as she shoots both fists in the air

“I wear my jeans a little tight

Just to watch the little boys come undone” Vaggie punctuated this by leaning down and giving a single finger stroke to the face of one of the young guys close to the stage, who melted like putty in her hands

“I'm here for the beer and the ball busting band

Gonna get a little crazy just because I can”

“You know I'm here for the party

And I ain't leaving till they throw me out

Gonna have a little fun gonna get me some

You know I'm here”, “I'm here for the party” Jack briefly sang along to the last line in a slightly deeper than usual voice

“I may not be a ten but the boys say I clean up good

And if I give 'em half a chance

For some rowdy romance you know they would

I've been waiting all week just to have a good time”

“So bring on them cowboys and their pick-up lines” Vaggie sang while shooting Jack a playful grin, to which he just smiled and rolled his eyes

“You know I'm here for the party

And I ain't leaving till they throw me out

Gonna have a little fun gonna get me some

You know I'm here”, “I'm here for the party” which Jack again echoed in his deep voice

“Don't want no purple hooter shooter just some jack on the rocks

Don't mind me if I start that trashy talk” Vaggie sang while snatching Jack’s flask from his hip, unscrewing it, taking a swig, and put it back the way it was

“You know I'm here for the party

And I ain't leaving till they throw me out

Gonna have a little fun gonna get me some

You know I'm here, I'm here for the party” Vaggie sang, her voice starting low and slightly raspy from the swig of hard liquor she took and then rising back to normal as she continued.

“You know I'm here for the party

And I ain't leaving till they throw me out

Gonna have a little fun gonna get me some

You know I'm here”, “I'm here for the party” Jack added in his low voice one last time before Vaggie finished the song off with a few more repetitions of “I’m here for the party”

The audience gave another round of applause as Vaggie took her bow and the last song started up.

“Two, one, two”

“It ain't a needle in a vein

It ain't backstage sex

It ain't lines of cocaine on a private jet

It ain't havin' a posse full of hangers-on following you around

It ain't long hair, tattoos, playin' too loud, Nah” Jack sang, starting the song off

“Ain't a middle finger on a t-shirt

The establishment's tryin' to sell

It's a guy with the balls who told the establishment to go to hell

It ain't about the money you make when a record gets sold

It's about doin' it for nothin', 'cause it lives in your soul”

“That's damn rock and roll

That's damn rock and roll” Jack sang as the music began to break loose

“It's a rock through a window

It's a riot in the street

It's a rebel revolution

It's fightin' for peace

It's burn, baby burn

It's a brick in the wall

It's the first one to stand

And the last one to fall” Jack and Vaggie belted out in a duet while pumping their fists

“It's a hip-shaking devil on the stage in Tupelo” They both continued as Vaggie shook her hips to emphasize that line

“It's doing what ya want 'stead of doin' what you’re told

It's a preacher burnin' record telling folks they oughta pray

'Cause the shepherd bought a Gibson and lead the flock astray”

“Now that's damn rock and roll

Give all ya got 'til there ain't nothin' left

That's damn rock and roll”

“Yeah, when the clash crashed the party 

And the party got loud

And the party turned into an angry crowd

Drowning demons, feel no pain

Found Nevada ways to shame

Gone too soon just like a song

Hendrix, Joplin what went wrong?

Need some answers right or wrong

Need some band to blame it on” Jack sang solo as he got up close to the mic.

“That's damn rock and roll

Give all ya got 'til there ain't nothin' left

That's damn rock and roll

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh” The two sang, back to a duet once again

“Another day

In another town

Loadin' the stage, and the lights, and the sound

Here they come boys

They've opened doors”

“Count us off now Craig” Jack sang as he pointed to the frontman of the in-house band, who counted Jack off

(One, two, three, four)

“That's damn rock and roll

Give all ya go 'til there ain't nothin' left

That's damn rock and roll

Every ounce of your blood and your sweat

That's damn rock

That's damn rock and roll”

As the two of them finished up the final song, the audience gave one last massive round of applause, which they respond to with several bows and repetitions of “thank you”. However, the celebrations were cut short as suddenly in walked the man of the hour, the “strawberry pimp” himself: Alastor, and on his the princess of Hell, Charlotte "Charlie" Magne.


End file.
